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Onward Vigilant Arizonans!

April 30, 2010

Everyone has by now heard of the awesome new law in Arizona that requires police officials to check the papers of anyone looking like they are here illegally and also requires all immigrants to carry their papers on their person at all times. Of course, all the liberals have pointed out that this is massive violation of people’s liberty and freedom (still waiting on the Tea Party to join in on the liberty issue) and an institutionalization of racist policing practices (ie racial profiling). Many defenders of the law have pointed out that this has nothing to do with race or ethnicity at all! You know like segregation laws had nothing to do with race either. For instance, Arizona state senator and great legal theorist Sen. Russell Pearce informed us, “Illegal is illegal…Illegal’s not a race, it’s a crime…And in Arizona, we’re going to enforce the law” (Sen. Pearce will be lecturing on Bentham’s conception of “Pannomion” next week I hear). Yes, it’s not about race at all, it’s about protecting Americans against illegality.

My first thought when I heard about this glorious new law to protect the United States of America against aliens was, “What about illegal European immigrants or even foreign exchange students who are here studying illegally?” Sure, we all know an average illegal immigrant when we see one (wink, wink), but these European aliens can slip right under the radar. All the Janses and Dieters and Svetlanas and Pierres who are living in your dormitory or working at your local French bistro could also be here illegally and we would hardly know it! Their crafty English skills and assimilation abilities have lulled many of us to sleep for years. Now that there’s a real law on the books to handle them, I think we have major opportunity before us.

As a person with a lot of experience on “their” continent, I’ve prepared a list a clues/tip-offs for vigilant Arizonans and especially their police force:
1) Anyone white who is dropping articles in their speech (for the cops see here)
2) Sandles and black socks
3) Unshaved legs among the females
4) propensity to watch soccer or “football” as they call it
5) Refusal to disparage the concept of the welfare state
6) An extensive knowledge about wine
7) An extensive knowledge about history
8 ) They listen to a band called “Blur”
9) They write words with funny marks and dots over their words
10) They think Arizona is great

These are of course just a few of many tell-tale signs that possible illegal European immigrant is in your midst. I’ll do my duty and continue to update this list.

In the meantime, it appears some students at Arizona universities are now worried about what this law will do to their lives. An article notes, “Students, [at University of Arizona] especially international students, are worried about what the law might mean for them.” UA President Robert Shelton has responded to the concern by saying:

…the health and safety of our international students, faculty and professional staff are priorities of the highest order for us, and we are going to do everything possible to help each of them understand the law and its impact. We intend to put in place whatever procedures are necessary to ensure their safety and free movement on campus and in our community.

If President Shelton is really concerned about the safety of his university, the state of Arizona and United States of America, he’ll provide us and especially, the cops, with lists of all the European students, their class schedules and places of residence. I encourage all vigilant Arizonans to do their best to obtain more information on Europeans in our midst, so you can find out who’s a legal and who isn’t. Our safety depends on it. Turns out the law has already done some pre-emptive protection by encouraging possible illegals to go to other universities in other alien-loving states.

This is an important fight, since as soon as we stop illegals from taking over our country made up of immigrants’ progeny then the economy will recover, al-Qaeda will lay down their weapons, Iran will stop developing a nuke, and we’ll eradicate balding…or something like that. Onward vigilant Arizonans – the future depends on you!

Sure, Jürgen and Sabine look just like us, but what’s that thing over the A on his shirt! Oh my god, it’s an umlaut! Call your local Arizona authorities!

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